When You Sing | Healing

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//Couldn’t say what i wanted to say

But now I’m changed and i feel so strange

//Come alive when you say all those things to me\

\Please go all the way – it feels so right – being with you here//

||Lost in a maze of a thousand rainy days of a thousand rainy days||

But when I heard your voice – it led me to the end

//You are my center when i spin away

\Out of control

On videotape on videotape on videotape on videotape on videotape

||Cause when you sing I hear a symphony

Swallowed in sound as it echoes through me

||I’m renewed, oh how i feel alive

//\ No matter what happens now – you shouldn’t be afraid

\// Today has been the most perfect day i’ve ever seen

I’ve no idea what I am talking about

I’m trapped in this body and I can’t get out

Have the lights gone out for you?

Because the lights gone out for me?

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in other news things are stressful again. It would be far worse if they weren’t.

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Bracelets: Mad Echo – Princess Bracelet

.random.Matter. – Norbu Wrist Cuff – Black

scarf: *League* Ananda Scarf – Heather

skirt: Foxes – Tarot – Skirt – Small – Sky

shirt: Foxes – Tarot – Top – Med – Blue

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Progress!

I made Ekvardun’s current avi in five days with a Slink mesh body, a KZK gryphon, and a lot of chocolate.

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He started out like this, with the chocolate texture set, which I tweaked and dressed a little by changing the head and chest fluffs and shape.

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Even though it was pretty, it still wasn’t right. About a week ago, I was actually present with Ek sharing screens and dinner. We had some fun, listened to music, and bonded over having just cleaned her computer of malware after three years of absolutely no protection.

And somehow, this happened.

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In the thirty minutes we sat together and talked about changes, we figured out we could change just the inside face of the wing feathers, just the skin/feathers on the head, and that the newly updated Slink bodies come with an RGB tinting hud. Now there’s a homemade Turkey Vulture mod with absolutely no texture editing or extra parts whatsoever!

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A Vulture By Any Other Name…

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That red-faced sweetie is one of my mates, Ekvardun. Ek only recently came to be part of House Aki, as we met in July 2015 when I came to work at the same forest. I helped out in her garden, and we talked and grew close.

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We bonded over spirituality and confusion about Earth-Plane and how things were, here. He was sweet and attentive, and always thoughtful. I would come to work most days and find food offerings on my desk, and went to yoga and meditation with Ek weekly for a few months.

Somewhere in there, Ek became a completely different person. I’ve written about how I unintentionally blew through her life and flipped everything around, before, but I didn’t really realize how much my presence had changed things until recently. In November they were dedicated to me in ceremony, and in January their devotion holds true. In the days between, I, too changed.

I laugh out of caring and happiness when Ek tearily tells me what it looked like through their eyes. He distinctly remembers meeting me and how I scoffed at the concept of healing, and how only three months later I sat by the fire he tended for me and admitted that healing was something on its way–not quite here yet, but coming in the future.

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The vulture’s family is Cathartes, from Catharsis. Vultures are the healers of the world, tearing apart rot so that it may be reintegrated into the cycle of growth. Although I may have eventually come to healing without her help, her kindness, patience, and compassion have made this growth come more quickly and remain strong through hard patches.

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Words About Something | Progressively Less Lost

Although I am wearing that lovely Time Keeper dress by Zenith again, this is not really a fashion post. It’s an update or state of the union or what have you.

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I think I’m coming into a period of healing. It isn’t without its bumps and pitfalls and setbacks, but things seem possible from my perspective that were impassable mere weeks ago. A few months ago, I laughed at the mere prospect of becoming functional. I took several showers this week and have actually eaten regularly. I contacted my next job prospect and am taking her slow reply much more smoothly than even I imagined I would.

Now if only I could get a handle on mood swings and executive functioning… And write one hell of a book!

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Recently, loved ones have been encouraging me to use my creativity and writing skills to make the sort of fictions I wanted to see and read when I was younger. Seeing people like me in places of power and strength in fiction, instead of as the villain or fridged plot point, would be absolutely incredible… and I can be the means to get us there.

 

At the moment I have both an original fantasy setting forming in my head, and I’ve also fallen in love again with 3.5edition Forgotten Realms settings from Dungeons and Dragons. If R.A. Salvatore could write entire books about Drizzt Do’Urden and survive, what could possibly keep me from sharing my Forgotten Realms setting fiction with the world?

 

Death Upon the Vine

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How could something so fair be so cruel? \

But if you’ll be my skyline,

then I will be the wave

that reduces you to rubble

and looked safe from so far away. //

And all our debris flow to the ocean

to meet again, i hope it will. \

There is an answer in a question,

and there is hope within despair,

and there is beauty in a failure,

and there are depths beyond compare //

“Darling don’t you understand,

that there are no winners? \

My love, why do you run?

For my hands hold no guns.”//

And there is grace within forgiveness

but it’s so hard for me to find. //\

And I tried to be kind for you  \//

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Today is not a very good one. I’m struggling, and instead of doing the things I’m supposed to do (Thanks, Dialectical Behavior Therapy!) I did this and cried a lot. The ‘poem’ above is some lyrics tortured from the songs on Death Cab for Cutie’s new Kintsugi album.

Constrais-Obligais doesn’t get credits post because she doesn’t do clothes ever.


 

We’re Not Done | Let This Be Memory

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There are very few things certain on Earth-Plane. There are even fewer things that you can be certain of about another person. There are things about oneself that aren’t certain, are yet uncovered, and may never be completely discovered.

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Even though being together, learning alongside and entwined with others, is such a gamble–we have ourselves and our trust and health to lose– I feel that not being alone is one of the most beautiful facets of living on Earth.

There are billions of people, and trillions and googols of other life forms sharing the crust, the skies, and the waters. There is something to learn in every strand of carbons, and in every transmission of neurochemical arrangements. These are comforting gambles–you will come away different than you were before, without ‘better’ or ‘worse’ judgements applied.

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Even though the surface is too deep to bust through in a few goes, reach out to the others that live here. Everyone deserves the chance to grow and learn, to discover their own depths and secrets. It’s easier done together.

 

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Credits:

Caverna ObscuraShahrazad in Pearl